Warning Signs of An Affair

Coming to therapy to resolve issues surrounding a partner’s infidelity is both unfortunate and fortunate. Unfortunate for obvious reasons – you’d rather be anywhere else dealing with almost anything else! But fortunate because you are there. In the office of a compassionate therapist trained to deal with the emotional and psychological fallout of an affair is the safest place to be (though it might not always feel so). Marriages can come back from infidelity, and in fact can be stronger than they were before the affair. However, since if given a choice most would choose to never have had the affair happen, here are some potential warning signs of an affair (by Beth Leuders):

  • Looking for ego boosts outside your marriage. Men tend to turn to extramarital liaisons to build up their self-image or sexual self-esteem. Women are suspect to affairs to satisfy their longing for love, appreciation and tenderness. Beware of leaning on others beyond your marriage as primary sources for love, value and respect.
  • Neglecting to talk openly with each other. If you only talk to your spouse about the bills and household chores, you may be sliding into trouble. Holding in your thoughts and feelings does not enhance transparency in your relationship. Practice the art of small talk that can open the door to deeper sharing.
  • Resisting conflict resolution. Every couple runs into communication rough spots. It’s important not to build walls between you and your spouse. Some people mask their hurt while others spew their emotions. Neither method is constructive. Both ways create relational roadblocks. Unresolved conflict leads to isolation and leaves you vulnerable to fleeing your marriage.
  • Discounting fun and relaxation together. Think of the last time you and your spouse enjoyed a date or a weekend getaway together. As the old adage says, “Couples that play together, stay together.” If career, family and homes responsibilities are crowding out laughter and friendship with your spouse, you need to book in some recreational retreats with each other.
  • Increasing the time you spend apart. The demands of work travel, ill children or differing interests and hobbies are common issues that can keep couples apart. The more time you spend away from your spouse, the greater temptation to drift in your relationship.
  • Allowing daily stresses and fatigue to sabotage your intimacy. Packed schedules and raising children are two common reasons husbands and wives feel ho-hum in their relational intimacy. Romance, in an instant, can remind you of the reasons you love each other. All marriages require times of refreshing and an in-depth look at intimacy saboteurs.
  • Letting your love life fizzle instead of sizzle. Familiarity and boredom can creep into any marriage. Beware of shaking things up in your sex life by dumping your spouse for another more promising lover. If you or your partner suddenly is disinterested in sex with each other, be sure to explore the true reasons.
  • Giving in to predictability. A little mystery can go a long way in adding spice to your marriage. Many couples succumb to affairs out of fading interest in their spouses. One way to continue your wedded bliss is to surprise your mate with love notes or an occasional unexpected outing or gift.
  • Living in denial. Pretending that problems do not exist in your marriage will only widen the gap between you and your spouse. Many extramarital affairs start when a frustrated spouse searches for a reality check in marriage by turning to an officemate or friend of the opposite sex for support. Dare to face the truth of your marital struggles.
  • Forgetting your commitment to each other. Over time couples are prone to forget why they fell in love. In our easy-come-easy-go culture, it takes courage and determination to honor commitment instead of convenience.
  • Failing to resist come-ons and temptations. In our over-sexed world, even the most innocent husband or wife can fall prey to sexual temptations. Before you or your mate find yourself in compromising situations, talk about safeguards for your marriage. You may need to avoid after-work soirees, certain hotels on business trips and sexually compromising magazines, movies or television shows. Thinking “Just this once,” can lead to a lifetime of regret.

Quick Infidelity Quiz

If your marriage partner exhibits several of these following behaviors, your marriage may be in danger of an affair:

  • Avoids eye contact with you.
  • Talks continually about the unknowns of the future.
  • Shows an increased disinterest in the topic of sex.
  • Makes excuses for not spending time alone with you.
  • Acts unusually guilty when you do something nice for him/her.
  • Quits complimenting you on your physical attractiveness.
  • Stops saying, “I love you” and even acts rudely to you.
  • Starts buying you gifts to ease his or her guilt.

One of the best recommendations for troubled marriages is enlisting the help of a licensed counselor. Often, involving a third party — especially one who’s trained to counsel — can force root issues out into the open and guide you and your spouse on the road to healing.

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You’re More Courageous Than You Think

I think courage is an under-utilized word these days. In the minds of most, it seems to be reserved for “big” things, like fighting in a war or rushing into a burning building to save a child. Don’t get me wrong, these are definitely courageous acts worthy of the word. But for most of us, we won’t get the opportunity to show that kind of courage. We will, however, do other things that require our courage – everyday though they may seem.

There are many daily occurrences that require some element of courage. As a mom to twin four year-old daughters, sometimes getting up in the morning feels like an act of courage! And this week in the DC area where I live, just taking to the roads after our blizzard(s?) is courageous (or foolhardy).

But the everyday act of courage that I am privileged to see on a regular basis is starting therapy. If you’ve never been to therapy, just imagine:

You are at the end of your rope. You’ve tried everything you can think of to improve your situation, be it a troubled marriage, conflictual family relationships or mind-numbing depression or anxiety. In desperation you decide to reach out for help, not really knowing where to start but knowing something has to change, and soon. You get online, looking for something, someone who speaks to you, who seems to understand. (This in and of itself is a daunting task; how do you know someone is a good therapist from their online directory listing?) Or maybe you’ve asked a friend for a recommendation; maybe you’ve seen this person speak or read one of their articles, books or blogs. Perhaps it’s as simple as you just like their smile – it seems to say “You can trust me.” Whatever the reason, you take a deep breath and call or email, and make an appointment.

Then you wait, with a mix of fear and hope. Things are still bad but now when you think how bad they are you also dare to think they may be able to change for the better. At the same time you’re terrified that this person may be strange or scary or just not in sync with you, and if that’s the case, you’re not sure you can go back to the exhaustive searching…this might just be your one shot.

The day finally comes for your appointment. You find the office, are greeted and fill out some paperwork, and all the while your thoughts race. When you sit down with the therapist a few minutes later with your heart pounding, you think This is it. Please let it help.

As both a therapist and someone who has been in therapy herself, I can tell you I genuinely appreciate what this is – nothing less than a true act of courage. There are many factors that could have prevented this moment – pain, fear, financial impediments, emotional paralysis. Add to this a potential familial or cultural stigma, and it’s a wonder anyone has the courage to come to therapy at all.

But they do, and I see it every day in my office. They come in shaking, crying, yelling, stonewalling, defensive, desperate, cynical…but with one thing in common: on some level, in some measure, they dare to hope. Sometimes against unbelievable odds, with heart-wrenching stories and no real reason to continue to hold on, they hope. And their hope in therapy, in me, is a gift and an honor. I try to hold it gently but securely, as we walk through that first session and subsequent others together. It is no small thing to open up your heart and mind to a total stranger. It is no small feat to bring what hurts the most into the light, daring to trust you might be able to have the life you want. And there are no promises. Even with this courage, sometimes things don’t work out – despite hard work and good intentions to the contrary, sometimes change doesn’t happen, and things stay broken.

But sometimes they do work out. Sometimes – often, actually – I see the initial investment of hope blossom into real changes in peoples’ lives. I’m with them when they have the “A-ha!” moment that leads them to understand their past and make better decisions in their future. I get to see the lightness return to their step, the smiles return to their faces, the love return to their lives. It’s awesome, and it’s why I love my work. Even if it only happened one time out of a hundred, it would be enough, but it happens much more than that. I know that the main ingredient in this is the courage of my clients – not just the significant courage it takes to come to therapy in the first place, but the courage to keep coming and keep working on things, especially outside the therapy room.

I believe that these people deserve all the good that comes their way. Helping and watching them figure that out is my privilege.

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A Whole New World…

For me, that is. This entry marks the start of my foray into the blogosphere, much to my husband’s delight (as a techie, he has been at me for a while to blog).

My reticence has less to do with being non-techie (though I am!) and more to do with the feeling that blogging is somewhat…narcissistic? As in, who really wants to know what kind of coffee I drank today? (I don’t drink coffee, by the way. In case you were burning to know.) But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to blog. Not about my choice of beverage or other mundane details of my life, but about information on therapy and thoughts I have on such information. I truly love my work and have a passion for it, and if I can pass along useful or helpful information to you and have fun doing it, I will enthusiastically blog.

If you are indeed interested in hearing such blog posts from me, please drop me a line (or comment, I guess) and let me know you’re out there. I can talk to myself any old time ;) Also, let me know if there’s a particular topic or issue you’d like to hear more about, or my thoughts on. For next time, I’m thinking about discussing why starting therapy is an act of courage. I’d love to hear your thoughts too.

Thanks for reading! :) Laurel

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